I went last week to fetch my candidates forms from the superintendent's office (although I am sure I could have downloaded them from the EMMU webpage at less effort!). I went through them Wednesday evening and answered the easy questions (like what is my name). Funny how silly things can irritate me - I'm not a great feminist, but I'm sure that I had to fill in my husband's maiden name more often than the forms asked me for mine! It's hard to get rid of the basic assumption that a minister is a man.
I spent Thursday with a generally uneasy feeling. I couldn't figure out was wrong with me, until it struck me that filling in these forms was making things feel uncomfortably close. There is so much that I am scared of. Being out of control. Having to do things for which I can't really understand the purpose. Submitting. Money and cost of living.
Some of this stuff I know I need to learn. Some I'll only realise I need to know when I know it. And some of it is going to drive me crazy.
But I don't think I have any choice any more. So let it do its worst!
At least as it comes closer I can also see further and as I see the potential for a future beyond probation it is easier to be optimistic. God-willing I will see the other side!