I am getting too hard, bitter and disillusioned! I don't want to be there, but I'm realising that I am getting shorter with people and less patient than I should be.
It has been a difficult few days and I'm sure things will be better again after a while. My family came - and then went again. Easter was very good, but tiring. Being robbed didn't help and on Tuesday there was some quite heavy friction at college.
I need space to - reassert my identity to myself - to remember why I am here, what God has asked from me, and to separate stuff that just happens and I must just let flow through. What makes me count as a person? What must I defend or fight for and what is actually unimportant?
I did not enjoy school - particularly high school. I used to wonder if I exaggerated the memories, but I am starting to feel the same about college. At school I used to do all sorts of stuff to just get through lessons. Once I had an exercise book with squared paper and I used to spend lessons colouring each square a different colour. Once I had a book in which I was calculating the powers of 2. The numbers stretched across the page - eventually covering more than one row - and I kept on just doubling the number above. I was learning French at school (although I was never any good at it) and I used to make notes and write stories in French. Then in English using Greek letters (transliterating), then in French using Greek letters, then in French using Greek letters and with my left hand. And all the possible variations of those.
I am going to have to start doing these things again to get through college. I wish I could get it right to use the time constructively and also listen to the speaker, but I can't seem to do it. And I want to participate appropriately. There is just something in me that struggles with a classroom. And this is part of what is making me stressed and frustrated and less than what I should be.
If I need to colour in squares in order to be some semblance of a 'nice person', well that's what I'd better do!