I am finding it difficult to express how I feel right now. But I want to, because I want to remember this.
We received the questions for our 'exit interviews' that will be held next Tuesday. They are good questions. Reflective questions. At least, I think that it helps me to answer them for myself, I'm not sure how confident I will be about answering them for a panel. How has God used me this year? Talk about a conflict that I have experienced. There are 18 questions. The reality is that we will all pretend to some extent in answering those questions. I am so tired of pretending. But I am so hard to understand that if I am just myself people will be confused. The honest answer to some of these questions is that I don't believe that I have been a raging success this year. It is very much a classical case of 'the church has survived in spite of me, not because of me'. But if I project that to a committee, what will they hear? A lack of confidence? A lack of belief in myself? A lack of competence? The bottom line is that I have not had fun this year. I would not choose to do this for the rest of my life. Does this mean that I am not called by God to the ministry? That I am not called to work cross-culturally? That I am a racist? How will a committee hear that?
I go to seminary next year. To learn how to be a transformational leader. I wonder if they know more about transformational leadership than I do? I wonder if they can be as creative in church things as I can be? Have they thought about and struggled with the essence of church, community and leadership as much as I have? What do they know about the use of technology? Will they teach us?
I look at my face and I see how much this year has aged me. And I become angry with the sense of futility that I feel. What is it all for?
I am not without hope. I pray that seminary will be inspirational and challenging. I know that I have much to learn, if only they can and will teach me.