So, yesterday wasn't such a good day. I drove in to PE to visit some people. The Methodist Church where we had our phase 1 college was robbed of the Sunday collection on Monday morning while the admin lady was counting it. The bishop's secretary hauls out a newspaper and says 'did you see this?' An Anglican priest has been murdered at the college in Grahamstown (the town where I stay). I go to the Christian bookshop - 'we had all our takings stolen this morning'. The bishop's secretary says there is just a feeling of oppression around.
So, I got five hours sleep last night and woke up feeling grumpy and bad tempered. At least I knew it would be a busy day, so I would cope. Spent three and half hours in 30 degree heat driving around the township taking communion to the elderly. I don't mind doing this, but by the time I was saying the communion liturgy for about the fifteenth time my mind was wandering all over and I felt I was letting the people down. My husband smses to say that we lost the option to rent a house in Pietermaritzburg that the family was hoping to stay in.
I guess I was feeling pretty flat by this time. Get home, check in to the internet. Load Facebook and there are the chirpy doings of my less busy, higher achieving friends. I just wanted to give up and go home. I hated them for a moment. There is some competitiveness in me that I see when I am at my weakest. You can't beat me. You may not do better than me. You can't have more friends than me or more blog readers than me or a better ministry than me. So there! I know that competetiveness is always there, but usually it is controlled (not always in the best way, but that's another story . . .) It frightened me to see it so near the surface at that moment when I felt so insecure.
I've got a Learning Partnership meeting tonight. I didn't want to go feeling like this. The heat is oppressive. It physically drains me. But it's 5 o'clock and I'm going to run. I'm going to do my longer route. I've gone 200m and I feel the life pour back in. I am invincible. I can run forever. And I do. There's a male runner pounding it out ahead of me. Wow, he's going. I'm not that good. But check out that stomach - I guess running doesn't help you lose weight. There it is again. Can't let anyone beat me. I catch up with him a little way on. He's walking now. Everyone's walking now, except me. The route that took me twenty minutes last time took me fifteen today.
What am I doing with my life? What is God doing?