Monday, July 19, 2010

Funny Wound Up Feeling

I'm tired - and blogging as a sort of therapy, so if you want to skip this post, go ahead.
It's the end of the last Monday of our July intensive programme. We've had two weeks of 8am to 4pm lectures. We've listened and thought and interacted. The interaction is getting better and more intense. People are talking about stuff that really matters. They are voicing unpopular positions. They are shocking others. I know that we find each other when we can talk and discuss. The issues are not about race! We can talk and race is irrelevant (almost). That just feels so good.
I'm wound up though. I am not a good classroom person. I don't do sitting still well. I've had input, I've got ideas. I've bought into vision. Now I need to do stuff. It will come, I know, but right now I just feel wound up - and intense myself. I tried to contribute to the discussion and people couldn't see the point of what I was saying. Why not? It was too subtle, I know. I shouldn't have said it, I'm usually patient enough, but I'm getting frustrated - in a good sort of way.
UKZN seems to being 'going slow' on my PhD application - so after persuading me to try to register this semester, it looks like it will only really happen next year. The seminary governing council is trying to get seminarians involved in the music for the seminary opening in September, but really they can only show good intent. There are so many people to be satisfied and the programme must be kept so tight that there is little time. While we are motivated to do be really involved, we need to be content with what is available (I'm not complaining, I understand!)

Take a deep breath. Take time this evening to do some work. Something that I can count as an achievement - even if it is not as romantic as many of the dreams and hopes that are floated before us. Taste the gritty everyday nature of reality. Unwind. Be determined to stay distant tomorrow. Become grounded again.

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