I didn't make a conscious decision to stop writing over the last little while. It just seemed as if I needed to stop. Reevaluate. Find out if I had anything to say. It has been a good time of working things through. Finding myself, as it were.
One of the things that I realise I have done is to abandon some of my role models. Well, not to abandon them at all, but to be more careful about how they influence me. I have found that when people give me advice or teach me in a structured environment I evaluate what they say, accept some, reject some and keep some to think about. I have been far less discriminating in accepting behaviour and values modeled to me. Not that it has been bad, but mostly other people are not me and I am not other people. People like Pete Grassow, Ross Olivier, Costa Stathakis, John Bailie have had an impact on me, not because of what they have said, but because of the core values that I have seen behind their ministries. And I have just had to accept that although I admire these things and still aspire to them, I will not be able to achieve them in the way these people have. I know that this is a really basic concept and I should have been more alert to it, but I wasn't.
So, amongst other things, Pete modeled balance in life to me. But his way seems almost clinical and I know that I am not in a place to do that now. And it's ok. Amongst other things, Ross modeled a passion for social justice and a need to be involved in everything. I can't do that or be that right now. And it's ok. Costa, amongst other things, passion, drive and vision. My churches can't take that yet. Not now. It's ok. John - many, many things that I have learnt and will still learn, but one that I can't do like him is his concept of hard work. I value it. I hope I do work hard, but it doesn't look like his looks. And it's ok.
I have found that it's one thing to read something like I have just written and quite another to actually identify this and work through it. I feel disloyal to people I value. But I would imagine, and hope, that they don't see it this way!