Something that I find hard to express is the effect of being dislocated during Phase 1. I'm sure that there must be research and processes and whatever about the psychological effects of 'boot camps'. This isn't supposed to be negative - 'boot camp' sometimes has negative connotations.
However, a lot of what I am experiencing in Phase 1 must be part of this. There must be stages of adaptation - similar to the Kubler-Ross stages of grief. And I'm sure that negative feelings about the system must be part of that. I find myself without my normal supports. What now holds me up? Where now is my sense of self worth? Where is my God? Does anybody REALLY care about me?
And I guess these are questions that must be asked. And I guess everybody does it with the grumpy sense that we are entitled to our personal security.
I don't see how it can be bypassed. I hate the negative attitude that I so often seem to have. But somehow I feel that the only way I can get through it is by . . . getting through it.
And I know that people that have been through this say that now is the time that we build up systems and disciplines that will support us when things get tough later on in 'real ministry'.
In the meantime I have to express and acknowledge the way that I feel - even though it might be part of psychological adaptation and not my preferred way of being.
I know this is badly expressed. But I needed to try.