Monday, December 21, 2009

Crashed

I feel ridiculously human in that I think I have reached the limit of my resilience. I am just tired and demotivated and struggling to hear God at all. My head tells me that I am just tired. I'm ok enough this morning to be able to work through all the things that are discouraging me and realise that they are real, but that I am over-reacting. I realised last night that a month ago I was still in Grahamstown. In the course of that month I have had to readjust to Jhb, being with family and then to the move to Pietermaritzburg.
I am physically tired from packing and unpacking. I'm emotionally tired from adjusting to being with family again - constantly (this is a good adjustment, but it still takes effort). And I am struggling with a sense of belonging nowhere and having no roots.
And it doesn't help to know that what I am experiencing is common to all human beings! I want to feel sorry for myself and dump the burden onto someone else or perhaps run away from it all.
But I've just got to keep at it and trust that God will see me through.

10 comments:

Thomas O. Scarborough said...

I thought it was the Honda you'd crashed. A pity. You might have bought a better car.

Jenny Hillebrand said...

You are all compassion! And I still love my Honda Jazz, so tread carefully.

Steven Jones said...

Jen - I think you need a Coke, a choccie, and perhaps a cheeseburger as well! I'm sure we can do one or two of those next year...

But seriously, though - and I know you've said that it doesn't help you to know that others are experiencing the same thing - thanks for your refreshing honesty (as always), as I thought I was the only one trying to re-adjust to being back with family again. And as for feeling disjointed - I went berzerk the other day when I realised that I was the ONLY one in our household that doesn't have a set of keys to the house! Somedays I run around like a lunatic, trying to "fix" everything, while other days I do virtually nothing.

I guess that's why they call this "leave" - the time when we need to "leave" things alone and "leave" orselves to God's healing and refreshing.

Oh, and don't worry about Thomas' comment above - he probably drives either something really insipid like a Toyota Tazz (the four-speed one), or a gas-guzzling tank like an old 380 Merc.

Blessings to you, Grant, and your family over this Christmas season.

[Thomas - I have a GWM (Chinese) double-cab with the wheezing 2.2 petrol motor, as well as a hulking great Toyota Camry (which the TT drops like a bad habit), so your retaliation should be swift and sure - please don't disappoint me! :-)]

Thomas O. Scarborough said...

I knew you'd appreciate my pastoral touch, Jenny. Thanks for your prayers.

Steven, I drive a three-wheel Bajaj pickup. It was designed by an aircraft engineer, unlike the Ferrari, which was designed by a mule-shoer (this is true) or other cars, designed by mere functionaries and bureaucrats.

Steven Jones said...

Oh, Thomas, you rose to the occasion - thank you! But you'd HAVE to send me a picture of that Bajaj (or at least a link to one). I can't even pronounce that! Then again, most people can't pronounce Toyota either (Toyoda, Teeyotah?). Maybe one day when I'm ordained (Lord willing) I'll be able to buy a REAL Ota?

Thomas O. Scarborough said...

Steven, here is my Bajaj, photographed next to the inferior Ford Mustang: http://thomasscarborough.blogspot.com/2009/06/twice-weekly-photo-1.html Alternatively, here it is next to a rescue helicopter: http://thomasscarborough.blogspot.com/2008/06/two-of-kind.html Something of a better comparison, that. :-)

Steven Jones said...

Thomas - I like it! I've in fact long been keen on the panel-van version of these (I think made by Vespa?). It would definitely be better in the rain than my Vuka. One of those (as yet) unfulfilled fantasies - maybe one day...

Anonymous said...

Doesn’t matter whether they’re painters, politicians or preachers, guys still love their cars :).

Steven Jones said...

Indeed, Mark - boys and their toys. I guess we'll never grow up!

Anonymous said...

Another way to say it would have been: Doesn’t matter whether they’re Orthodox, Methodist, Congregational or Fundementalists, guys still love their cars :).